Are You Attracted To Unavailable Men? - Dr. Sharon Cohen
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Are You Attracted To Unavailable Men?

Are You Attracted To Unavailable Men?

Generally Unavailable Men

My guy friend used to ask me what geographically undesirable or emotionally unavailable men (or man) was I dating now.


I’d laugh.


Yet in retrospect, my lack of intentional dating, asking the right questions, and putting the real information out there (that I wanted to be in a long-term, married-minded relationship), I was attracting and keeping emotionally unavailable men. And I really had no idea.


What about you?


What are your dating patterns?


Are you attracted to unavailable men?


Times Have Changed

I think more common these days is to pine after someone you don’t even know.


For instance, have you ever started a “texting relationship” with a guy from a dating app and somehow it seems promising. You haven’t even met the guy face-to-face yet. But you feel it. And now you’re keeping your phone by your side – MORE than normal, just in case he texts.


First of all, you don’t want to miss his text when he hits you up.


And more importantly, you are DYING to know what he’s going to say!!


If this is you pretty consistently with every new guy who contacts you, maybe you envision yourself as an optimist, eternally hopeful, and romantic.


However, the reality is you may be a romance or love addict. You may be addicted to the pain of longing for the text or contact.


The idea of being addicted to pain may sound cray-cray to you, but what happens when a guy texts you immediately and consistently?


Does that turn you on or off?


Do you find him to be too needy?


Do you “blemish” him and think that there must be something wrong with him that he’s so available?


Like Groucho Marx, a comedian from the early 20th century, once said: “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”


Instead, the man who leaves you hanging feels much more intriguing and alluring.


The Appeal of Unavailable Men

“There’s just something about him.”


Well, that “something” about him may be that you have a history from your childhood that you are used to being left hanging. Somewhere you became used to longing and not getting your needs met immediately. You may have experienced abandonment in childhood. Your needs were not met on a consistent basis. You consciously fear abandonment and from the outside appear clingy and needy.


The wild thing is that you subconsciously fear intimacy, the thing that it appears you want most. Oftentimes, you jump into having sexual relationships quickly to not have to go through the process of intimately getting to know someone. No friendship progresses beyond the first lay. It all becomes about having sexual intercourse once you break that seal. In looking back, can you see that you’ve ever mistaken intensity for intimacy?


Why do love addicts do this? Like any addict, the addiction is merely the coping mechanism to numb out the pain of a life that is too much to bear “sober.” The neurochemical tidal wave that you get when you “fall in love” distracts you from anything that may not feel good or is difficult in life right now. Job not going well? Having difficulties with family members? Financial problems? Those all melt away when you “fall in love,” again. You dive deep into a swell of fantasies of what could be, waiting for texts, hopes and dreams, a date, more waiting, another text, a rollercoaster of emotions – for what?


The freedom of worrying about what “is” in your life.


My mentor had a great saying I use all the time.


You have to make the choice to learn how to be bored with pleasure than to be excited with pain.


When you make that choice, and you get off the rollercoaster and onto the merry-go-round, you can live a life free from all the mayhem caused by the uncertainty. Yes, being with someone who’s consistent may not be as exciting. You’ll be secure, loved, and it may feel boring. Once you feel what “boring” feels like, you may find you like it.


Write to me if you want to stop the pain. I’d be honored to help.




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