10 Nov Do you move fast into a relationship only to find it end as quickly?
Do you move fast into a relationship only to find it end as quickly as it began?
How often does this happen? How often do new relationships begin and end so rapidly, you’re never really sure what occurred or why?
Perhaps you said too much? Opened up too quickly? Told all your secrets and scared someone off?
When you move fast into a relationship, you’ve left no time and space for someone to fall in love with you before you reveal all your dirty laundry.
Take a deep breath and imagine yourself on a first date with a new man.
You’re excited to meet him. He’s handsome. You like his dating profile. You’ve had a couple of brief chats and a quick phone call to set up the date.
Walking into the restaurant, you’re pleased with what you see. The conversation starts off easy enough.
First Date Conversation
“Did you find the restaurant ok?” “Do I look like my pictures?” You both laugh at how many people on the dating apps aren’t putting up recent pics.
And then the questions start to get a little more in-depth. “Tell me a little bit more about yourself.” “When was your last relationship?”
He tells you he’s been married three times and he has a son who’s a drug addict. He admits he and his son don’t keep up a tidy home, he has a problem with organization, and he doesn’t know how to cook.
What would you do with all that information?
My bet is that you run for the hills.
Getting to know you
However, if you took the time to get to know this man (because you didn’t move fast into a relationship) and found out that his first wife died. His second wife left him for another man, and he just finished nursing his third wife through early-onset Alzheimer’s, you might look at him through a different set of eyes.
If he tells you that because of all of these experiences he’s been through that he’s been in therapy for years and has really gone through a transformation, would you feel differently about him?
If he told you his son struggled with drug abuse because he felt abandoned by his mom leaving him and his father to be with another man, and he’s been sober for a year now, how would you feel?
The man in front of you has brought up the son on his own. Perhaps, the lack of organization and cooking sounds differently when seen through the lens of nursing a wife who’s struggling and ultimately passed due to early-onset Alzheimer’s. How much time and energy would you have to cook?
It’s a lot to take in, but as you’ve given time to get to know him, you realize he’s the kindest, most attentive man you’ve ever met. He listens and cares about your feelings. He wants to get to know you more. He’s actually fun and loves to plan activities.
Take another deep breath.
Imagine that you are the person unloading your basket of information on someone else.
It’s the same thing when turned around. When you say too much too soon, the other person doesn’t have the chance to discover all the gems you have and only hears the “story.” It’s overwhelming.
Let the story be told.
Let the relationship unfold.
Don’t be in a rush to tell it all in the name of honesty. You aren’t being dishonest by holding back. You are waiting to see if this person is a trustworthy person who is deserving of the details of your life story.
Not everyone is.
Float something vulnerable and see how they treat the information. Do they do something to use it against you in a moment of disconnection? Or do they hold it with a tender heart no matter what’s going on between the two of you? This is one way to change the outcome of your dating life.
Answer the question that’s being asked. Don’t offer up extra information. It will come out at the proper time.
When you’re ready to tell it and when the relationship is ready to bear it. When you believe the person is trustworthy enough to hear it.
Are you wondering where you are in your new relationship and what is ok to tell or what to hold back on? If you have any questions about what I’ve said here, I’d be happy to answer them. Call me at 949-682-9304 to schedule a 15-minute complimentary Love Breakthrough phone consultation now.