22 Jun How to deal with relationship anxiety
A major question running through it was “are you struggling with holding the complexity of two opposing realities, that of wanting freedom and desiring intimacy, both at the same time?”
Seems the topic resonated with a lot of people.
I’m not surprised. It’s a common theme and I think everyone who struggles with it thinks that they are the only person who’s wrestling with this issue because it appears to them the other person in their relationship isn’t having this issue AT ALL.
Who talks about this?
The question is how to deal with relationship anxiety
…or maybe even how to deal with the fear of getting too close?
Can you imagine casually mentioning to your partner:
”Hey, you know what? I love you. And sometimes, I don’t really want to be with you. Well, it’s not that I don’t want to be with you. I want to be with you but sometimes I don’t want to be with anyone….I want to be alone.
But not really. I just want to be alone sometimes…and still know you’re there – but not totally. Because by knowing you’re there, it takes some of the excitement out of “having” you. So it’s nice to come back to you and kind of not KNOW you’re there but to have you be there, you know?”
And of course, the other person completely DOES NOT KNOW. It makes NO sense to him or her.
And it’s totally OK because this is a pattern of attachment behavior you learned early on that made complete sense.
And now, approximately 25% of the population consciously fear intimacy and subconsciously fear abandonment, and 20% of the population consciously fear abandonment and subconsciously fear intimacy.
The important thing to know is who consciously wants what and who consciously fears the same.
For example, if I consciously fear intimacy and I’m with someone who consciously fears abandonment – then that’s a recipe for a struggling relationship. And vice versa.
What do YOU fear most?
Perhaps you’ve been wondering for a long time how to deal with relationship anxiety.
Do you feel like relationships are smothering, engulfing, controlling, so that when people start to get close you feel an urge to push them away?
If so, you may need to do some work on desensitizing or weakening your fear and discomfort of getting closer with people, little by little, so that actually BEING with someone is a pleasant experience that fills you up rather than something that you feel stifled and suffocated by.
Or are you the person who feels anxious and unsettled in relationships, never feeling like someone is close enough or giving you enough to make you feel safe and secure in their love for you? If so, then you may need to learn to self-soothe and how to fill yourself up while in a relationship. Otherwise, you will put so much pressure on the relationship and the other person that your anxiety will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Developing the ability to feel good inside your body and calming your brain down when you’re used to going off the rails ruminating about what the other person is doing. Having this capability will be a completely fresh and relieving experience for you.
If any of this resonates for you, I’d love to help you have an entirely new awakening as to how to be in a relationship, how to have a relationship or how to get into a relationship.
Call me at 949.682.9304 or write me at firstname.lastname@example.org. We’ll schedule a time to talk.
Learn how to deal with relationship anxiety once and for all.