5 reasons you have to be willing to hurt a man in order to be happy | Dr. Sharon Cohen
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5 reasons you have to be willing to hurt a man in order to be happy

5 reasons you have to be willing to hurt a man in order to be happy

How can you have the best relationship possible? Come to the breakthrough realization:

You matter.

If you put everybody before yourself in your relationships, you lose. It’s called being a doormat or a patsy or a zero or co-dependent.

You don’t want that. I don’t want that for you.

Many of us were taught that it’s better to give than receive. The virtuousness of putting other people’s needs first seems to be of higher value for women than men.

“Don’t think of yourself first. It’s impolite.”

I say don’t believe “them.”

“No” is the most potent word in your vocabulary.


In order to be your highest self and make this your best relationship, here are 5 reasons why must put yourself first and be willing to hurt a man.


  1. You must be willing to say NO to anything that doesn’t feel good to you.

Saying no to a man may “hurt his feelings.” If you are dating and you aren’t comfortable being sexually intimate yet, then it’s not the time for you to have intercourse.

If you aren't ready for intercourse, say no. The best relationship you will ever have is open & honest.

If you aren’t ready for intercourse, say no. The best relationship you will ever have is open & honest.

However, if you worry that saying no to sex will threaten your relationship with him, will cause him to think you don’t like him or that he isn’t sexually attractive and he’ll go find it somewhere else, then you’re more worried about causing him pain than you are about standing in your truth.

No matter how far you are into your dating relationship or courtship, if you aren’t ready to be physically intimate with a man, say no. Use your words to tell him you like him (if you do) and that he’s sexually attractive (if you think he is).

But only do what you want. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings. He’ll get over it.

Your body is your own. Use it the way you want. It’s great if you are comfortable having sex. Have at it. If you don’t, don’t do it for his sake. He’ll wait if he wants to be with you.


  1. You have to be willing to say NO to anything illegal, immoral or unethical, or you will have a heavy burden to carry.

I was watching an episode of Cops. Don’t judge. My husband likes it. Anyway, on this episode, the cops pull over a car with three people in it: a couple in the front and a guy in the back.

The guy in the back was a dealer. The driver was the girl’s boyfriend.  A sizeable amount of weed was in the girl’s purse.

The girl’s boyfriend had talked her into getting involved: “you won’t get in as much trouble because you’re a girl and you haven’t been in trouble before.”

Doesn’t sound like the best relationship to me.

When the cop asked the girl to get out of the car, she immediately started crying. Clearly, she was terrified. And, by the way, she had no priors.

Guess who did have run-ins with the police before?

Her boyfriend.

Looking shamefaced, he told the cops his girlfriend had nothing to do with it.

The point is she didn’t say no to being put in the middle of illegal activities. Where did that get her?

Handcuffed and on an episode of Cops.

Too extreme?


How about this?

Recently the media reported that Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. Up to this point, many people had thought Brad and Angelina had the best relationship, one to look up to, to be admired.

However,  reportedly, on a flight to Burbank airport, Brad was under the influence of alcohol and marijuana when he got into a verbal fight with Angelina.

When their oldest son Maddox stepped in to defend his mother, Brad allegedly put his hands on Maddox.

Angelina stated she is divorcing “for the health of the family.” Family, in this case, means the children.

She is saying NO to Brad and to staying together as a married couple because her ethics are that the kids’ well-being come before Brad’s.


  1. If you put yourself second, you will get second.

If you continually put yourself and your needs second trying to please a man to keep him from leaving your relationship or in hopes that he will marry you, you will not get the man.

I literally watched this unfold this past weekend. A long-distance girlfriend of mine was in a relationship for approximately 20 years. Another one of those relationships that from the outside looked to be stellar. One of the best relationship role models out there. Only one thing was missing.

My girlfriend had been very vocal about wanting to get married. They had talked about it ad nauseam, from what I know. She was living with the guy. No ring.

You know the song and dance. “What’s a paper going to do? We’re committed.”

This weekend, I saw on Facebook the man got married to another woman.

My girlfriend’s obviously heartbroken left wondering why he never wanted to marry her.

The good news is she’s now open to be with a man who wants to get married.

She’s not feeling that way yet. At some point, she’ll gain some clarity about that. Right now, she’s in a lot of pain.


  1. You must love yourself more than you love any man.

You must fill yourself up first or you will ultimately feel empty and depleted. You’ll have no love or energy to give to anyone else.

To be your highest self in your best relationship, you must take care of you first.

To be your highest self in your best relationship, you must take care of you first.

Women have to feel good and take care of themselves first and then “do good” and take care of others second.

Have you ever had a day where from start to stop you were taking care of the kids and/or pets, getting to work, taking care of business, back home to take care of the kids and/or pets without a moment to spare for you?

At the end of the day, how did you feel? Energized? Filled up?

Probably not.

My guess is that you could have used some time for yourself.

  • Time for a quiet walk on the beach.
  • A yoga class.
  • A mind-wandering walk anywhere in nature.
  • A massage.
  • A dance class.
  • Something where you reconnected with your body and breath.


Being self-centered and having self-love are the only ways for women to be your best in dating, in your best relationship, and for your best with your family.


  1. A woman who is in self-love will not feel the need to shield a man from pain.

Are you ok with causing a man pain or are you are willing to cause yourself pain by taking on his?

Do you believe that telling a man you don’t want to go out with him again will hurt his feelings? Do you dodge calls and texts?

Not answering, you feel somewhat anxious and guilty about it. At some point, you may even start to feel anger. “Why doesn’t he figure it out?! I’m not interested!!”

However, if you took care of your feelings first and were upfront, you wouldn’t have to go through all those emotions.

“Thank you so much for taking me out. However, I don’t have the feelings I need to continue going out on a romantic basis.”

Take care of your feelings first and then consider the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

In this case, you understand that although these words may sting a man at first, he will ultimately be grateful for the honesty. He’ll know where he stands and won’t be chasing around a woman who isn’t interested. Or if he decides he wants to continue to pursue you, he realizes it is on a “friend” basis.


If standing in self-love and being willing to cause a man pain are not in your nature, saying no for the first time will probably cause anxiety.


You will have to take a leap of faith the first time and try it on. Relationships work best when the man likes the woman more than she likes him. If you say yes to everything, if you chase him down and if you protect him from any pain he might suffer, you really don’t know how he feels about you.

Your relationship hasn’t been tested.

If you haven’t been feeling good in your relationships, try something new. Don’t do anything that takes you out of your center. Say no to anything that doesn’t feel good or right.

Be willing to cause a man pain.

You are worthy.


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